REVIEW: The Best and Worst of CGS’ Favorite Grocery Store
By Maddie Snyder ‘26
Courtesy of the Oregonian
The month is March 2021, it’s my first time being in person with my peers at the Catlin Gabel School (CGS), and I am being viciously bullied for the fact that I have never been to Trader Joe’s. My cohort of other seventh graders had discovered that I had never been to the Portland staple grocery store and would not let me forget it.
It reached a point where, in order to allow myself some peace, I walked almost a mile and a half to my local Trader Joe’s. I had been instructed to buy various snacks and dips by my classmates, but due to the confusing nature of the aisles, I was only able to buy three before getting overwhelmed and leaving.
When I walked into class on Monday sporting my plastic bag of Trader Joe's Takis like a trophy, I received applause and admiration. Well, not really, but the lack of taunting sure made it feel that way. Although I had been practically held at gunpoint to buy those Takis, there was no denying that they were really good.
I truly did, and do understand the hype around Trader Joe's snacks now. As someone who grew up eating from the name-brand-filled aisles of the various Atlanta Publixes, I can confirm that the Trader Joe’s versions of snacks often surpass those of their inspiration. But this is not always the case.
When perusing the lengthy and unorganized aisles of Trader Joe's, you can either score a tasty treat or a massive letdown. Let this article be your guide to what is worth it and what is not of the favorite snacks from CGS’ favorite grocery store.
Trader Joe’s Takis, aka Rolled Tortilla Lime Chips
The Rolled Tortilla Lime Chip, or more fondly known as the Trader Joe's Taki, has long been my personal favorite snack at Trader Joe’s.
The thin corn tortilla chip rolled up and then caked in spicy and tangy powder makes a delicious snack. As someone who has a mild spice preference, these chips are the perfect level of spice for me. Enough to be flavorful but never panic and/or snot-inducing.
This snack is not just delicious but also consistent in its texture. Never once have I encountered a burnt, crumbly, or soggy Trader Joe’s Taki, and they are almost symmetrical in size and shape. Although sometimes you will get lucky and encounter a loaded Tak, where two have been meddled together and absolutely covered in spicy powder.
Although they are one of my favorite snacks, they are seriously lacking in the name department. “Rolled Corn Tortilla Chips, Chili and Lime Flavored” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. But I would not let its long and obviously copyright-avoidant name deter you from picking up this snack the next time you shop at Trader Joe's.
Scandinavian Swimmers
I was introduced to the Scandinavian Swimmers by CGS science teacher and Trader Joe’s enthusiast Bianca Nakayama during an evolutionary biology candy cladistics activity. Typically, I don’t shop for candy when I go through the trials and tribulations of the Trader Joe’s parking lot. However, it was recommended enough for me to review this article.
As a person who eats the sour dust out of the sour patch bag, I obviously opted for the sour version. Their level of tartness was appropriate, although I could have handled more. But for the average consumer, the citric acid concentration would probably be just right.
Of the flavors, the red pomegranate stars are by far my favorite. The dolphins, which are huckleberry flavored, left a suspicious aftertaste. Something like kiwi but also vaguely minty.
The texture is what would make me buy these over a name-brand gummy, though. Whereas your typical Haribo gummy has a much thicker, elastic texture, these are nothing of the sort. These gummies are more gelatin-based and, because of this, have a chewy and soft texture.
I believe these are Trader Joe's answer to Swedish fish, hence the softer texture and Nordic aquatic vertebrae-related name. But if this is Swedish Fish’s competition, they should step up their game based on flavor alone. Maybe it’s just my disdain for Swedish Fish, but these far surpass their overly sweet and vaguely plasticy tasting counterparts.
Although I found these to be a nice sweet treat, they aren’t necessarily a must-buy. If you do want something sweet from your grocery trip, opt for the peanut butter cups.
Sour Cream and Onion Cheese Corn Puffs
This Trader Joe's equivalent to Pirate’s Booty falls victim to the long name curse that runs rampant through the aisles. Although others are more excusable due to their typical superiority over their name-brand counterparts, I found these to fall short.
Their texture is by far the highlight. Each puff is light and doesn't have any crunchy unpuffed bits in the middle. However, the sour cream, onion, and cheese flavors combat each other in a way that is not favorable.
It feels as if they were trying so hard to balance the two that they settled on just decreased flavor overall. Leaving the prominent flavor simply being corn, with the occasional creamy onion aftertaste.
Although fellow CatlinSpeak writer Brittney Haldorsen was outraged at my opinion and heavily vouched for this snack. Maybe I got a bad bag, but I find that hard to believe. As someone who grew up with Pirate’s Booty as my salty treat snack, maybe I just prefer my cheesy corn puffs to assault my senses instead of leaving my taste buds widely underwhelmed.
Jerk Seasoning Plantain Chips
These came heavily recommended by a classmate and were a first try for me. But I do have to say I was pleasantly surprised.
The seasoning gave this snack a lot of flavor. A coating of spicy and tangy powder coated each of the plantain chips. But I do have to say, even though the seasoning was good, I think the plantain base really made it stand out.
It gave it a different texture, like a cross between a freeze-dried strawberry and a potato chip that I enjoyed. It also provided a nutty and slightly sweet undertone that paired wonderfully with the jerk seasoning.
It also as a name of reasonable length! This snack might be one people don’t always reach for when shopping, but I highly encourage you to try it out.
Whether you're packing lunch or for a picnic, we all have our favorite snacks. So if you didn’t find a snack here that piqued your interest, I can tell you the Pickle Popcorn comes heavily recommended from art teacher Chris Mateer, as do the Peanut Butter Pretzels from Librarian Derek King.
I hope you may not feel as overwhelmed the next time you're browsing the snack aisles at Trader Joe's, after all, the parking lot is already stressful enough.