SATIRE: Pyramids & aliens

By Andy Han ‘26

Courtesy of Timothy O’Leary

Note: This article discusses speculative theories and topics of pseudoscience. Please approach with skepticism and do not take the contents of this article as fact. 

A square base, four triangular sides, and a pointy tip. Sure, the scale of these monuments is impressive, but in reality, pyramids are simply well-stacked big piles of rocks that are kind of hard to knock over. Despite their mundanity, pyramids have become a phenomenon common in nearly every continent, attracting the attention of theorists across esoteric, occult, scientific, and archaeological communities.

Did the pharaohs simply have too much time on their hands? Or are they the work of interdimensional beings whose intention lies beyond our measly mortal understanding? So buckle up, my dear conspiracy connoisseurs and tinfoil-hat associates, and let us dive into the endless speculation behind the origins of these perplexing engineering marvels.

First, and perhaps the most well-known and largest traffic cone in the world, is the Great Pyramid of Giza. Historians believe that it was built as a tomb for the Pharaoh Khufu, who ruled during the Fourth Dynasty of the Old Kingdom around 2649–2130 B.C., to facilitate his transition into the afterlife peacefully. Nevertheless, our fellow skeptics dissent, with some speculating that it served as a time travel machine, an extraterrestrial beacon, and a power generator. 

Among its many quirks, the location and physical orientation of the Great Pyramid of Giza first drew the attention of theorists. Each side of the pyramid is near perfectly aligned to each cardinal direction—north, south, east, and west—with minimal deviation potentially accounted for by the Earth’s shifting axis. In other words, the placement of the pyramid, intentional or not, may have been even more accurate thousands of years ago. 

Suppose you extend rays from the Great Pyramid of Giza’s cardinal and ordinal directions. The pinpoint accuracy of the pyramid’s location allows for these rays to cross over substantial terrestrial areas, which virtually places it at the center of all landmasses on Earth. Had aliens truly built the Pyramid of Giza and used it as a giant antenna for wireless energy transfer, they essentially picked the ultimate wifi hotspot on the planet. 

In 1977, wishing to further explore the enigmatic properties of the Great Pyramid of Giza, Joe Parr, an electrical engineer and hobby conspiracist, conducted experiments atop the pyramid to test its magnetic, electrical, and radioactive properties. Unsurprisingly, his tests revealed the presence of an elusive energy field around the pyramid, presumed to be true for all pyramidal monuments in the world. 

Furthermore, Joe Parr thought that the pyramid energy he discovered could be amplified through certain means. He believed that, rather than a coincidence, the distortions in magnetic energy atop the pyramids are instead artificially created by the pyramid, which acts as a sort of colossal power generator. 

And so, Parr created a custom-made model pyramid to test his theories once and for all. For his experiment, he placed the model pyramid into a centrifuge and ran an alternating magnetic current through it. As the model began to spin rapidly, Parr’s hypothesis regarding the hidden energy behind the Pyramid was proven true.

According to Parr, the Pyramid’s energy field was made visible as a translucent bubble formed around the pyramid. He also said this mysterious orb would block all known types of electromagnetic radiation, even gamma rays, the highest energy type of electromagnetic wave. Most impressively, though, the pyramid turned invisible at times while orienting itself toward a specific direction, similar to a GPS.

But where did it point to? In Egyptian mythology, if the soul of the deceased was deemed worthy by Osiris, the Egyptian god of death, resurrection, and the underworld, they could ascend and join Osiris’s celestial domain among the stars, now known as Orion’s Belt. Curiously, the concentrated energy beam sent by the model pyramid pointed directly at the position of Orion’s Belt as we see it in the sky. 

Several design choices also hinted at the importance of the soul’s journey to the cosmic gateway, such as shafts present within the pyramid that also pointed to Orion’s Belt. Along with this, the three pyramids at Giza align with the positions of the three stars of Orion’s Belt perfectly, acting as a sort of map connecting the ancient Egyptians to the universe.  

But what if aliens were acting behind the curtain of the pyramid’s construction, instead of gods guiding their journey? 

According to the History Channel, it’s possible the little green people manifested themselves to pharaoh Khufu as the Egyptian god Thoth, otherwise known as the architect of the universe. It was aliens who gave 

Pharaoh Khufu the blueprints behind the pyramid, which acted as a beacon aligned with constellations for easy UFO navigation, or as a mega Wi-Fi tower supplying them with wireless energy to allow for their departure and eventual return for more sightseeing on Earth. 

Before his death, Parr thought that if the truth behind the pyramids were uncovered, they would allow humanity the power of time travel. Unfortunately, Parr’s theories were never confirmed through peer-reviewed studies, so his ideas surrounding extraterrestrial communication and time travel remain unproven. 

Regardless of Parr’s inability to prove alien contact in Egypt, we “alternative” historians hold onto hope. Perchance, the answers to the truth behind alien contact and their presence in ancient mythology can be found within the many ancient pyramids of ancient Mesoamerican cultures. 

In ancient Mayan mythology, the god of knowledge and learning, Quetzalcoatl, also known as Kukulcán or Kʼukʼumatz in various other Mesoamerican mythologies, is best depicted as a “flying serpent.” However, Giorgio A. Tsoukalos, History Channel historian and alien expert, hypothesized that while the ancient Mayan and Aztec peoples could best describe the mysterious entity seen in the sky as a flying snake, it’s likely that they had witnessed alien spacecraft entering the Earth’s atmosphere. 

Even more shockingly, said alien landed in Chichen Itza after being observed from the ground. The closest representation of this event can be found in Mayan myth, where it dictates that Quetzalcoatl descended from the heavens and onto Chichen Itza, where he decreed the ultimate destiny of mankind. While the speculated arrival of these “extraterrestrials” can feel outlandish for those unacquainted with fringe historical studies, their return to Earth is irrefutable, prophesied, and ingrained within the pyramid of El Castillo in Chichen Itza, Mexico. 

Erich Von Däniken, fringe theorist and author of many pseudoscientific books, noted the peculiar movement of the shadows of the El Castillo during specific times of year. On the equinoxes, March 21st and September 21st, he claimed to have observed shadows cast by the nine steps, which, with time, shifted down the pyramid until the shadows of each step vanished and the sun was directly over the temple, eliminating all shadows present. 

At the base of the pyramid, near the stairs, lay two giant stone serpent heads. The undulating shadow effect created by the stairs connects seamlessly to the head of the serpent, which creates the optical illusion that a giant serpent, or Quetzalcoatl himself, is prophetically moving down the temple. 

Däniken wholeheartedly believed that this temple and its shadow mechanisms were fully intentional and were meant as a countdown for Quetzalcoatl’s eventual return to Earth, given it was the same city where he delivered his divine decree to the ancient Mayans. Perhaps during a future equinox, we may be blessed with Quetzalcoatl’s presence and make extraterrestrial contact much like the ancient Mayans.

Lord Pacal’s Tomb Lid.

Courtesy of Sacred Geometry

In the ancient city of Palenque in Mexico, 335 miles away from Chichen Itza, independent intellectuals have found traces of extraterrestrial influences within the sarcophagus of Lord Pakal, the monarch of Palenque for over 68 years from 615 to 683.

While most mainstream scholars interpret the intricate sarcophagus lid as a reference to the world tree and representing the transition from life to death, Däniken thinks that it depicts Lord Pakal as an ancient astronaut in a rocket-like vessel. For one, Pakal is bent forward with an oxygen-like apparatus stuck into his nose, while also using his hands to control the rocket, mimicking contemporary space travel. 

It’s also important to mention that, like the sarcophaguses of Egyptian pharaohs, Pakal’s tomb is also located within a pyramid. Similar to Egyptian mythology, and how its complex construction would have likely enabled interplanetary contact through constellation alignment and energy generation, perhaps Pakal’s rocket sarcophagus is a tool to reach our distant extraterrestrial neighbors as well, had we figured out how to use it. 

One day, perhaps we won’t need to be pharaohs or lords to reach the stars. In a future, hopefully not so distant, we’ll each have our own pyramid in our backyards, not for burial or sacrifices, but as a quick gateway to the cosmos that’s convenient, moderately priced, and loaded with in-flight entertainment. 

But what do people really think about alien contact? Local Catlin Gabel Upper School students, juniors Peter Cheng and Nico Igarashi, along with senior Spencer McNeil, shared their varied beliefs on the possibility of extraterrestrial contact. 

When asked to contemplate the possibility of aliens being real, both Igarashi and McNeil replied with a hint of ambivalence, while Cheng expressed a near-certain attitude regarding extraterrestrial life. “Yes, I do,” said Cheng. His adamant belief in aliens stemmed from his childhood, where, while on vacation, his father had witnessed a UFO during his early morning walk on the beach.

Cheng shared similar childlike enthusiasm when asked about what sort of activities or queries he has for the space visitors, saying that he’ll “probably ask them what their car looks like, and take him to some fried chicken place and then taste some good food.” Igarashi dismissed the notion wholly, saying, “Nothing, why would I wanna talk to an alien?” McNeil hastily and mysteriously replied that “going to a dance club would be number one,” although the intention of his statement seemed ambiguous. 

Even though pyramids might not generate enough energy to power alien spaceships to allow for such delightful shared leisure activities ideated by our Upper School students, the existing research of conspiracy theorists has not gone to waste; after all, they generated sufficient intrigue to at least entertain the idea. More legitimate science-based research is still needed, and the dream of extraterrestrial contact remains, like the distant galaxies they reside in, a faraway dream.