SATIRE: The top tips for every step of the college admissions process

By Priya Klein and Evan Zhang ‘26

Courtesy of Evan Zhang ‘26.

It’s late spring at Catlin Gabel School (CGS) and the air is abuzz with excitement for the summer to come: underclassmen rally around spikeball nets in the Quad, seniors find ever-conspicuous reasons to ditch class, faculty map out their vacation itineraries, and juniors lug themselves to the College Counseling Office for weekly sessions of PODS. Wait, what was that last part?

Indeed, in the final weeks of school, just as their peers and teachers’ minds begin to wander, juniors come face-to-face with the beast that is college applications, rearing its ugly head once more. Unfortunately for them, like an unwanted English 11 reading, this is a chapter that will not be ending soon. Some students are already getting ahead of the battle, visiting potential colleges with family over Spring Break or studying up for the SAT.

That said, others may be less armed. The process is a daunting one, and it is all but natural to feel worried, anxious, hesitant, or confused as you navigate the bewildering interface of MaiaLearning — and applying to college, of course.

Thus, the two of us, both seniors who have treaded these treacherous waters before, are willing to offer a couple insights. For survey-informed tips and mistakes to avoid, skim The Princeton Review or U.S. News and World Report, respectively. But if you’re looking for the niche, nitty-gritty hacks that will surely grant you a one-way ticket to admission (or a jail cell), check out our list of the ten best college tips below.

Demonstrated Interest

Demonstrated interest is how many colleges measure a prospective student’s interest in their school and likelihood to enroll. Prospective students can prove their devotion to these colleges by visiting the campus, attending information sessions, and completing optional interviews and supplemental essays. Often overlooked, demonstrated interest can be the factor that pushes your application the extra mile. 

As seasoned experts in the field of college admissions, we know that this is not a one-sided relationship. Sure, you like a college, but does it like you? The best way to demonstrate interest is by following these steps:

First, you must attract the college’s attention. Ask the bold questions that the other uninteresting students next to you don’t have the guts to ask. 

“Make sure your mom asks if the school you're visiting is a party school directly to your tour guides,” suggested one senior speaking from personal experience. Interactions like these will undoubtedly leave your tour guides and the admissions officers with some sort of unshakeable curiosity about you. 

Second, now that you’ve piqued their interest, you tease them a little. Visit the campus or sign up for an informational session. Consider buying a sweatshirt, but ultimately decide not to because the last thing you want is to seem desperate.

Third, once you’ve made an impression, take a step back. By now, you’re probably all they can think about—whether you like them, when they’ll see you again, what your intended major is. Crucially, you’re not going to tell them.

From here, you play hard to get. “Address your supplemental essays to the wrong university so the admissions officers know you are in high demand,” encouraged Jorie Liang ‘26. By the time the application deadline comes around, the college will practically be frothing at the mouth awaiting your application’s arrival. 

Activities and Honors

Remember how you dedicated all your Saturday mornings in sophomore year to helping out at that home for the elderly? We admire that! But, there’s always room to think bigger.

Nowadays, helping grandma play Bingo isn’t even going to get you in the door of the admissions office–but making an AI start-up that leads Bingo all by itself might! Do you tear up just a little whenever you see those sad puppies in animal shelter commercials? Sounds like you’re ready to start a non-profit organization collecting dog toys!

We know what you may be thinking: “What if my college application is due tomorrow and my 501(c)(3) registration hasn’t gone through yet!” Have no fear–there’s one tip that just might save your application at the last minute. 

Take a good, long look at the number of hours a week you tallied for each of those activities. Don’t you remember that one week that you spent two extra hours working on your Mock Trial defense? Might as well add those to the tally–and while we’re at it, you should probably just throw in that you were a leader too because you basically led that one meeting, right?

Maybe you need a new activity entirely? Why not? Chances are that poor sap reading your application has hundreds of others to get through, and they’re probably not going to fact-check yours.

Some might call this technique lying–and while technically on the agreement that you sign at the end of your application, it might be–we like to think of this ingenious strategy as simply being optimistic.

As Cole Zanfardino ‘26 puts it, “Lie early and often. Lie about your financial status, lie about your academic record, lie about your interests. The last thing colleges want is you, so just be someone else.”

Standardized Testing

So you’ve bolstered your resume, albeit untruthfully, and are ready to take on the next hurdle in the admissions process. Perhaps the two acronyms have already wormed their way into your day-to-day conversations with classmates or flooded your inbox. While seemingly innocuous, the SAT and ACT will come to live rent-free in your head in the months leading up to your application deadline.

On your road to that coveted 1600 (SAT) or 36 (ACT) score, it can be tempting to study using online practice tests, Khan Academy, and the Official SAT Guide or Official ACT Prep Guide, respectively. Let us stop you there. To truly ace standardized testing, one must get creative.

Rather than spending sleepless nights cycling through the same practice questions as precious essay drafting time passes by, pay off a prodigal freshman or underage-passing college student to take the test in your place. A close resemblance is a plus.

Wary of wasting money? Never fear. There is a cheaper, simpler option. 

Since scores are self-reported on the Common Application, artificially forging or inflating your score is not only possible, but implicitly encouraged. Never mind that most colleges require that you send an official score report from the College Board or American College Testing upon enrollment. In fact, AP scores are self-reported as well: surely no one will bat an eye if you round that 2 up to a 5.

Recently, a scandal emerged surrounding the website “bluebook.plus,” which was exposed for providing real SAT questions to students for a price, according to The Seattle Times. Unlike bluebook.plus, which may guarantee better studying but not a perfect score, our strategies will shoot you straight to the top of SAT and ACT rankings worldwide. The College Board reassures that “SAT cheating is rare, affecting only…1% of its test scores” — be that 1%.

Essays

Personal statements and supplemental essays are essential components of your application, allowing you to inject personality, humor, and individuality into an otherwise soulless process. We understand that putting your best foot forward is no easy feat. In a world where seemingly everyone has a startup and a sob story, it’s difficult to find the features that differentiate you from other applicants.

Coming up with clever writing and interesting anecdotes is too much for a high schooler of average intelligence to handle. That’s where artificial intelligence comes in handy. “Use ChatGPT to write your essays,” advises Jiya Mehta ‘26, “it saves so much time.”

If you’re concerned about water wastage, perhaps consider a more sustainable alternative. Rather than fabricating unique experiences, give admissions officers a unique experience of their own. Doxxing members of the admissions committee (while remaining mindful of that darn 650-word limit) is a surefire way to grab attention. 

In the age of the internet, home addresses are easy to track down within a five-minute Google search. As found on CNET, public databases such as Whitepages, Spokeo, and Intelius provide addresses and contact information for free. While you’re at it, pop onto social media (LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, etc.) to see what other dirt you can scrounge up — for one TikToker, namedropping the admissions officer’s favorite movie on Letterboxd proved successful.

Still, in some cases, the sob story is enough. The only problem? Not every aspiring college student has a sob story to tell.

At least, not yet. There’s nothing in the rules against manufacturing your own personal tragedies. What’s the difference between real and premeditated trauma, anyhow?

Use your imagination. Maybe you’ll crash your car into your house to create a near-death experience you can draw from. Some other ideas: smashing your legs with a hammer (navigating the road to recovery), microwaving your hamster (overcoming loss), or converting to veganism (facing identity-based hardship).

By this point, you may be feeling slightly immoral. Well, rest assured that self-inflicted struggle is the least of admissions officers’ worries; in fact, plenty of students straight up lie in their essays! A 2023 survey of college students, conducted by Intelligent.com, found that 34% made up stories to write about, 39% pretended to be a different race or ethnicity, and only 30% of dishonest applicants were actually caught.

Frankly speaking, lying is common. Navigating advanced technological tools like AI, uncovering personal information on admissions officers, and putting in the work to injure or impair yourself show officers a dedication that they don’t see very often.

Letters of Recommendation

In spite of your dishonesty, hopefully you’ve retained a few meaningful connections with teachers that you can take advantage of when it comes to requesting recommendation letters. Ideally, you know two adults whom you’d trust to write in your favor to colleges.

But…on the off chance that you’ve burned every bridge or simply never tried to know any faculty members in the first place, we have two tips that just might save the day.

One solution is brought to you by an anonymous senior, suggesting to “Forge your teacher recommendation letters.” The beauty of this tactic is that fictional recommenders can be as impressive as you want. Draft an overindulgent, flattering, seven-page letter and credit it to the principal of your school — or better yet, a renowned celebrity, a Fortune 500 CEO, or the U.S. president himself.

That said, forgery has a clear drawback. To falsify two convincing rec letters, you need to actually write two convincing rec letters. For overworked juniors, this is no easy feat.

Here’s where a little reverse psychology comes in handy. Now, most college counselors would advise you to steer clear of teachers who complain about you in the break room. However, these people are exactly who you need to ask for an honest, upfront assessment of your character.

Think about it. Admissions counselors read, day in and day out, recycled letters from teachers who copy-paste their students’ names into blanks and throw in a handful of personalized adjectives. 

What they’re looking for is something raw: something that says “yes, Priya once threw a desk at me, but she channels that same aggression into her learning.” The more specific the anecdote, the better. “Evan thinks on his feet” is boring — “Evan has shoplifted 34 times and gotten away with it” is memorable.

Such writing is rare in the world of rec letters, and colleges will welcome the change of tone. After all, the students at the bottom of the barrel are the students with the most room to grow.

Alumni Interviews
One of the final steps of the college admissions process, alumni interviews are conversations between an applicant of a college and a graduate of that institution that allow the student to learn more about the graduate’s experience at the institution and the graduate to assess the applicant’s potential “fit” at the institution. The direct questioning and high stakes can often make this step of the application process feel especially daunting.

You may feel tempted to spend hours rehearsing your every response, combing quizlets for potential questions that your interviewer might pose. Rather than practicing that fake laugh or pre-written quip again, we encourage you to adopt a more relaxed, authentic approach to your interview. 

Stop fumbling over your sterile pre-written answers and let your responses flow from the heart! Maybe you’ll find that you two are hitting it off more than you expected and you just don’t want the conversation to end. Why let this precious moment slip away?

Embrace the brush of Cupid’s arrow and make your move on your interviewer! “It never hurts to be a little flirty with your interviewer,” advised Andy Han ‘26. Nothing says you’re a good fit for a school like getting familiar with the alumni network. 

Winning over your interviewer’s heart (literally) will ensure that your applicant evaluation has just the extra bit of character (and love) to make your application stand out. This could be the moment that you two laugh about at your wedding!

At the end of the day, applying to college isn’t about education–it’s about winning a game where the rules are made up and your self-worth doesn’t matter. So, lean into the silliness, the exaggeration, and remember: if all else fails, you can always skip college altogether. “Don't do it, drop out and spend the first year finding yourself then spend the next 10 being a risk taker, road runner, and entrepreneur,” suggested John David Hager ‘26.

As long as you start writing early, don’t commit any major crimes, and respect those teachers from whom you may soon get a recommendation, whichever college you attend will be a good fit. The best tip we can offer? Don’t follow any of ours.